 | "The good news is, marriage offers an opportunity for you and your mate to be each other’s healer as you face these wounds together." |
This book takes the science of attachment theory and the foundation of couples counseling and looks at what happens when different attachment styles (or love styles as they call it) marry each other. Why are certain types drawn to each other? What are typical patterns that lead to being stuck for those couples?
The core of this book is learning to understand yourself and the imprint that your upbringing left on you as well as developing compassion for your spouse as you begin to see how their imprint has impacted how they have loved as well. “The good news is, marriage offers an opportunity for you and your mate to be each other’s healer as you face these wounds together. (Yerkovich, 2008, pg. 8)”
The main love styles that the Yerkovich’s (2008) observe is the Secure Connector, the Avoider, the Pleaser, The Vacillator, The Controller, and the Victim. Each of these have a unique way of dealing with the anxiety that is present in relationships. Avoiders avoid emotions and needs of self and others, often appearing self-sufficient but have no real depth in relationships. Pleasers reduce anxiety by pleasing other thus keeping them close but lacking true honesty. Vacillators are constantly looking for intense, consistent connection to ease anxiety but others have a push-pull style of relating that creates greater distance rather than the desired connection. Controllers dominate to reduce anxiety while fearful Victims yield to keep the peace.
The book goes into detail on how those imprints are created using vignettes of couples that they have worked with. The stories are written in a way that really engages the reader emotionally and intellectually. The author shows how the hurt clients have experienced has shaped how they currently relate to their wives. I was able to identify the pattern my wife and I fall into and understand more fully why we get stuck in the same places. The gift of the book is that he leads you into helping change your love pattern. The book has very practical speaker/listener tasks that will encourage you to engage with your spouse. It even features a workbook that will allow you and your spouse to spend more time exploring the material together.
I would highly recommend this book to any couple, even those not in the middle of crisis. This book will help open your eyes and continue keeping you curious about your own story and compassionate toward your spouse. If you’ve read my other blogs you’ve probably begun to pick up my passion for helping people develop a curiosity for their story and begin to explore it. If you’re considering scheduling an appointment for couples counseling, I’d encourage you to read this book so that you’ll have a better idea of what your love style is and where exactly you and your spouse are getting stuck.
1. Yerkovich, M., & Yerkovich, K. (2008). How we love: Discover your love style, enhance your marriage. Colorado Springs, Colo.: Waterbrook Press.
2. How We Love. (n.d.). Retrieved June 10, 2015, from https://www.howwelove.com/
The core of this book is learning to understand yourself and the imprint that your upbringing left on you as well as developing compassion for your spouse as you begin to see how their imprint has impacted how they have loved as well. “The good news is, marriage offers an opportunity for you and your mate to be each other’s healer as you face these wounds together. (Yerkovich, 2008, pg. 8)”
The main love styles that the Yerkovich’s (2008) observe is the Secure Connector, the Avoider, the Pleaser, The Vacillator, The Controller, and the Victim. Each of these have a unique way of dealing with the anxiety that is present in relationships. Avoiders avoid emotions and needs of self and others, often appearing self-sufficient but have no real depth in relationships. Pleasers reduce anxiety by pleasing other thus keeping them close but lacking true honesty. Vacillators are constantly looking for intense, consistent connection to ease anxiety but others have a push-pull style of relating that creates greater distance rather than the desired connection. Controllers dominate to reduce anxiety while fearful Victims yield to keep the peace.
The book goes into detail on how those imprints are created using vignettes of couples that they have worked with. The stories are written in a way that really engages the reader emotionally and intellectually. The author shows how the hurt clients have experienced has shaped how they currently relate to their wives. I was able to identify the pattern my wife and I fall into and understand more fully why we get stuck in the same places. The gift of the book is that he leads you into helping change your love pattern. The book has very practical speaker/listener tasks that will encourage you to engage with your spouse. It even features a workbook that will allow you and your spouse to spend more time exploring the material together.
I would highly recommend this book to any couple, even those not in the middle of crisis. This book will help open your eyes and continue keeping you curious about your own story and compassionate toward your spouse. If you’ve read my other blogs you’ve probably begun to pick up my passion for helping people develop a curiosity for their story and begin to explore it. If you’re considering scheduling an appointment for couples counseling, I’d encourage you to read this book so that you’ll have a better idea of what your love style is and where exactly you and your spouse are getting stuck.
1. Yerkovich, M., & Yerkovich, K. (2008). How we love: Discover your love style, enhance your marriage. Colorado Springs, Colo.: Waterbrook Press.
2. How We Love. (n.d.). Retrieved June 10, 2015, from https://www.howwelove.com/
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