Lindsey Coates was a classmate of mine from Reformed Theological Seminary - Orlando.  She is currently working in private practice in Orlando as well as helping lead a ministry at a women's jail.  I am excited to call Lindsey a colleague and a friend.  I am featuring her blog as a guest blog, because what she has to offer is important and the battle against shame is something that I think we all wrestle with - especially in relationships.  You can check out her blog at http://givehopeseechange.com

When I was in graduate school, I did a lot of marriage and couples’ counseling as part of my internship. Way more than I was comfortable with doing. I have continued to do a fair amount of couples’ and marriage counseling in private practice, but I tend to get more spouses who are coming on their own in the midst of conflict, separation, infidelity or divorce. What continues to surprise me is that over the past three years, not one client has asked me if not being married would affect my ability to help them.

From where I sit in the office, I can definitely say that there is a current war being waged on marriage, and it has nothing to do with a Supreme Court decision. The war is being fought behind closed doors and the battles are being lost in the vast spaces between the sheets. Sadly, by the time most couples even make it into counseling, things have gotten really, really bad. It’s hard enough to re-program years of relational patterns, but to do that in the midst of crisis almost seems impossible.

Sex (or lack thereof) isn’t killing marriages. Facebook isn’t killing marriages (though it DEFINITELY isn’t helping). Porn (in and of itself) isn’t killing marriages. The culprit is a silent assassin that creeps in when no one is looking and grows like black mold in dark, hidden crevices of our hearts.

I’m talking about shame.

Shame keeps husbands from talking to their wives when they are afraid. Shame keeps wives from admitting they are struggling when they put on a deceptive smiling face. Shame sleeps between partners when they are in the same bed yet they feel like the loneliest people in the world. It silences, covers, slithers, and steals while murdering everything in its path.

So how do we win? How do we slay the dragon that is destroying our homes? A few weeks ago, an Orlando-based counselor I greatly respect, Matt Casada, referred to “the crockpot of shame” in his 60 Minute Seminar. This is such a powerful image, and one that I plan on “borrowing” for years to come. If you have ever used a crockpot, you know that the fastest way to make it stop working is to remove the lid. Removing the lid releases all of the heat and steam, and renders the ingredients inside to a temperature too low to cook.

This is how we kill shame. We remove the lid and release our secrets and fears and inadequacies into the air. I continue to be shocked at how little couples actually communicate. Sure, they TALK a lot, but talking isn’t communicating. I am still surprised when I do a couples’ session and when I ask the following week, “so what happened when you talked about this issue at home?”, they look at me with a blank stares and say, “Um, we didn’t.” It takes all I have to jump out of my chair and scream, “Then what the heck have you been talking about all week?!?” They talk about the kids, the grocery list, the budget, the neighbors, but never discuss what is going on between the two of them.

I wonder what would happen if spouses told the truth? If, instead of silently or loudly raging at each other, they said, “That really hurts.” It is so much easier to get angry and yell at someone than it is to look them in the eyes and say, “You hurt me.” That is far too vulnerable for most of us, but it is exactly what we need for marriages to survive.

I love helping people fight for their marriages, but it is hard work. And, if I am being honest, most days I would much rather be fighting for a marriage of my own than mediating for others. It’s hard doing couples’ counseling while being single. It’s not my first choice, but it’s where I am. I do believe that I bring a unique gift to the table in counseling through this stage of my life. Since I still live in a place of hope, but with enough experience in relationships and heartbreak, I get to help people navigate the muddy waters and the fog because I am not in their shoes. I often tell people “you may not have hope, but you can borrow some from me.”

Hope kills shame. Truth kills shame. Vulnerability kills shame. The war on shame is the one we need to be waging. So let’s get to it…


*This blog was originally featured on Lindsey Coates website: http://givehopeseechange.com

This book takes the science of attachment theory and the foundation of couples counseling and looks at what happens when different attachment styles (or love styles as they call it) marry each other.  Why are certain types drawn to each other? What are typical patterns that lead to being stuck for those couples?  

The core of this book is learning to understand yourself and the imprint that your upbringing left on you as well as developing compassion for your spouse as you begin to see how their imprint has impacted how they have loved as well.  “The good news is, marriage offers an opportunity for you and your mate to be each other’s healer as you face these wounds together. (Yerkovich, 2008, pg. 8)”

The main love styles that the Yerkovich’s (2008) observe is the Secure Connector, the Avoider, the Pleaser, The Vacillator, The Controller, and the Victim.  Each of these have a unique way of dealing with the anxiety that is present in relationships.  Avoiders avoid emotions and needs of self and others, often appearing self-sufficient but have no real depth in relationships. Pleasers reduce anxiety by pleasing other thus keeping them close but lacking true honesty. Vacillators are constantly looking for intense, consistent connection to ease anxiety but others have a push-pull style of relating that creates greater distance rather than the desired connection. Controllers dominate to reduce anxiety while fearful Victims yield to keep the peace.  

The book goes into detail on how those imprints are created using vignettes of couples that they have worked with.  The stories are written in a way that really engages the reader emotionally and intellectually.  The author shows how the hurt clients have experienced has shaped how they currently relate to their wives.  I was able to identify the pattern my wife and I fall into and understand more fully why we get stuck in the same places.  The gift of the book is that he leads you into helping change your love pattern.  The book has very practical speaker/listener tasks that will encourage you to engage with your spouse.  It even features a workbook that will allow you and your spouse to spend more time exploring the material together.

I would highly recommend this book to any couple, even those not in the middle of crisis.  This book will help open your eyes and continue keeping you curious about your own story and compassionate toward your spouse.  If you’ve read my other blogs you’ve probably begun to pick up my passion for helping people develop a curiosity for their story and begin to explore it. If you’re considering scheduling an appointment for couples counseling, I’d encourage you to read this book so that you’ll have a better idea of what your love style is and where exactly you and your spouse are getting stuck.

1.  Yerkovich, M., & Yerkovich, K. (2008). How we love: Discover your love style, enhance your marriage. Colorado Springs, Colo.: Waterbrook Press. 

2.  How We Love. (n.d.). Retrieved June 10, 2015, from https://www.howwelove.com/

If you’ve been following my blog you have probably noticed my silence.  I have spent the past several months working at Mountain Lakes Behavior Healthcare and also running Aaron Shaffer Counseling.  I have recently resigned from Mountain Lakes as the demands of private practice grew to where I could not continue doing both jobs well.  But I wanted to pause and reflect on my time there.

At Mountain Lakes I was the Child/Adolescent In-Home Therapist where I lead a team that was responsible for the care of 6 children/adolescents who were considered at-risk to be removed from the home, which meant alternative school, hospitalization or other placement.  Due to the high need of the clients we saw each client at least 2 times often at their school or at their home and sometimes we saw them up to 3 times a week if they were in crisis.  Essentially that’s at least 24 counseling sessions in a 3 months time span.  Thats a lot of time to spend with someone; you get to know their hurts, habits and hangups pretty quickly in those settings.

One thing that struck me is that although these kids all came from uniquely different backgrounds with different diagnoses, they all had one thing in common.  All of them had experienced some sort of abuse, neglect or significant loss in their young lives.  This comes to what I wrestled with most while I was there:

“How do we treat people who are coping with the fall-out of abuse, betrayal, and abandonment when we are forced to diagnose them with depression, panic disorder, bipolar illness, or borderline personality, which do not really address what they are coping with. (Van Der Kolk, 2014, p. 143)”

I was trying to deal with ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) when the root issue was how they have responded to the trauma in their lives.  Often it felt like putting a bandaid on a bullet hole.  Van Der Kolk, the founder/director of the Trauma Center outside of Boston, argues for a new diagnosis called Developmental Trauma Disorder and has been fighting to get this diagnosis included in the DSM (The book that mental health professionals use to diagnose and treat patients).  I am not going to get too much into the science or politics, but would highly recommend his book.  It is the best academic look at the effects of trauma I’ve read and came highly recommended from a fellow therapist.

What I have found that helps when I work with people is I put their issues in the context of a story.  Often the pain of the past can kill the hope of the future.  This often leads adolescents and adults with a trauma background to become locked in the present.  However, the present presents its own share of problems, like heartbreak and bullying.  If our pasts are left unexamined, we easily find ourselves reacting strongly in the present.  Those reactions can vary from person to person, but ask yourself is that response warranted or am I responding to something deeper within that would be worth exploring?

As a therapist you never stop learning and hopefully you never lose your curiosity about a person’s story.  If you’ve stumbled onto this blog I’d encourage you to slow down and listen to someone tell their story. In the next blog I will examine the art of telling one’s story.

1. Van Der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. New York, New York: Penguin Group.

When people ask me how I got into counseling, I often give a variety of answers. One of the core reasons is my passion for working with teenagers and their families.  I believe that teenagers need an advocate to help them navigate the growing complexities of the world they live in.  After college, I had the privilege of doing student ministry at Southwood Presbyterian Church.  While I was working there students crossed my path who were dealing with tough realities like family divorces and deaths of family/friends. Oftentimes teenagers haven't finished their cognitive development, which makes it more difficult for them to handle these situations. Therefore, people working with teenagers should have an understanding of a teen's growing development.  In this way, I found that working with students was very challenging, yet also rewarding.  I wanted to help them, but often found myself without the words to say;  I had to learn how to simply be in their presence.  I had developed a relational model for working with adolescents that was effective and allowed for continual growth. This journey led me to grad school to get my MA in counseling.

Being rather new to the counseling profession I feel like a sponge.  I have spent time getting to know fellow counselors in Huntsville through sharing meals and learning from them.  Plus I now get to read books for the sake of learning not just for a grade.  In the past two months I’ve been able read and recommend books such as Toughest People to Love, Worthy of Her Trust, and The Gifts of Imperfection. I still have a stack to read when I get the time.  

I'm also excited to announce that I am joining the staff at Mountain Lakes Behavioral Health Center in Scottsboro.  I will be an in-home child and adolescent therapist working alongside a case-worker as we help families in crisis in Jackson County, Alabama.  I am excited about this opportunity because it will give me more focused experience working with adolescents and their families and it will be a uniquely different setting to grow as a counselor.  This opportunity will stretch me as I will need to become more efficient in short-term crisis and CBT models of counseling.  

However, because of this new job my schedule will be changing some.  I will now continue my private practice in the evenings and on Saturday morning.  Even though I will be busier in this next season this experience will grow me as a counselor and get me that much closer to my LPC.

There have been a lot of exciting things happening with me the past month.  I have been getting busier building my practice and spending time focused on my professional development through supervision and reading.  And I’ve also been able to invest in my relationships here in town.  The past weekend I had the privilege to speak at an APAC (Alabama Pre/Post Adoption Connections) teen conference on goal setting. 

I was thrilled to have a chance to speak with teenagers and even more thankful that my professor Dr. Coupland at Reformed Theological Seminary required me to give a community talk as part of a class.  I am not a natural public speaker; I tend to view my speciality as connecting with people on a more personally level.  For me, its hard to do that when they are all seated and I don’t get a chance to interact with them. So I decided to stay for the whole conference and spend time between sessions talking to the teenagers and hearing their stories.  It was great to hear what some of them had been through and it was helpful in making my talk much more personal as I was able to relate it to what they particularly where going through.

My talk in particular was on goal setting.  Before you get to setting goals you have to first address why goal setting is so difficult for teenagers and especially teenagers with a trauma background.  Two main things hold teenagers back from setting goals. First, low feelings of self-worth, if you struggle to believe you are worth it, it is hard to get the motivation to try.  Often, there are internal messages like ‘It doesn’t matter I’m a failure’ or ‘Everyone always leaves me, why try.’  Second, low levels of security. Teenagers aren’t going to risk setting goals they may fail at achieving when they don’t have the support structure to catch them when they fail.  If you are working with teenagers theses are two areas you can have an influence on.  I believe our self-worth is ultimately determined by what God has declared of us based on what Christ as done for us.  And to be a support to a teenager means you come along side them and encourage them when they struggle and are there to celebrate the victories.  I know many teenagers who would say their biggest support comes from teachers, coaches or youth leaders.

So now we have worked through why we don’t set goals.  But what exactly is goal setting.  I would argue that goal setting is learning how to dream again.  We live in a society that numbs us; it is about self-protection and preservation so the idea of dreaming can be countercultural.  What I mean by dreaming is that you get to choose your goal, not your parents or counselor or friends.  The goal can be concrete like wanting to be a fill in the profession, or it can be abstract like wanting to be an influence in peoples’ lives.  Dreaming up a vision is healthy for a teenager because it gives them control and that is something that many teenagers just don’t have, especially adoptive or foster children.  And it is a healthy risk.  Much of growing up is gaining more control and learning how to take healthy risks. Dreaming a vision is a great way to do that.

Now to make things more practical. I then had the students write out their dreams and work on  their short term goals they would need to accomplish if they wanted to keep their goal on track. I then helped them focus on daily and weekly subgoals.  Those subgoals centered around staying in school, keeping grades up and making positive choices.  I have found that teenagers have trouble connecting their current lives to how it will impact their future so setting daily goals and weekly goals helps connect their vision to how they are currently living and keeps them on track.

Obviously we all mess up and get off track, so if you are a teenager or working with a teenager— remember to be gracious.  Being a teenager can be a lonely time in life and they could use all the encouragement you can give them, especially if they are brave enough to risk failure.  Also remember this is their dream not yours.

What happens when you make a living as the ‘funniest man alive’ and in reality life is painful and full of personal demons? I was sitting in my living room about to watch the lego movie with some friends when through the internet I am informed that Robin Williams has died of an apparent suicide. My heart breaks and the world all of the sudden feels heavy.  It’s easy to get into the what’s and the why’s, but lets pause and feel. I feel sad and confused. 

Robin Williams has had a deep impact on my life. He once played a therapist to Matt Damon’s character, Will Hunting in Good Will Hunting.  In that movie Will struggled with deep pain and guilt and Robin Williams kept telling him ‘It’s not your fault’ over and over as Will fought it and eventfully he breaks down (If you haven’t seen this clip you need to watch it here).  I had lived with a great deal of pain and guilt over my parent’s divorce and it was those words that helped set me free.  I still remember the tears welling up in my eyes the first time I watched that scene.  Often times our pain and guilt can cripple us and we need that loving gracious voice to speak truth into our lives.  Robin Williams was one of those voices for in my life among many others.

So as I go to watch the Lego Movie I am reminded that everything is not awesome.  There are many people in real pain. Robin Williams’ death reminds us that sometimes the last person we would guess is hurting may be in the most pain. What do you want to do with your pain and guilt? I think the bravest thing someone hurting can do is pick up the phone and tell someone that they are hurting. I often tell my clients how proud of them I am. It takes a lot of courage is to pick up the phone, call a stranger, set up the appointment and admit you are hurting. I’m sad that we lost Robin Williams today and I really wish he were still around to share his story. There is freedom in sharing our stories.

One of my passions as a counselor is working with professional Christians.  I enjoy counseling, training, and partnering with them.  The definition I am using for ‘professional’ Christian is anyone in a position who could potentially lose something if they renounce their faith i.e. anyone working for a church, someone attending either a Christian college or seminary, an elder or deacon, or maybe a leader with a school's ministry such as Younglife or RUF.  I know this definition is not all encompassing, but the idea is that professional Christians feel a burden real and/or perceived to perform at ‘professional’ levels of Christianity.  

Since freshman year of college I too have been a professional Christian.  I attended a Christian college, spent my summers working at Christian sports camp then after graduation worked in a ministry position for a church.  I took a year off after that, went to seminary and now I am a professional Christian counselor.  I have learned a lot about life as a professional Christian and have some insights to offer.

1)Loneliness.  Being a ‘professional’ Christian can be a very lonely place, I know at times it has been for me.  When you are struggling with sin in your life, there is often the feeling that you can’t share your struggle. Oftentimes, not being able to share the struggle leads to a deeper struggle and a deeper sense of loneliness.

2)Shame.  The loneliness of dealing with sin often times leads to shame.  Shame in thinking that as a ‘professional’ Christian: "Why can’t you just conquer this?"  Shame creeps up thinking that if anyone found out you’ll lose everything.  Often it leads to question your whole ministry and to wonder what you're doing.  It is not uncommon for shame to lead you into a deeper spiral.

3)Lack of Grace.  As Christians we are utterly reliant on God’s grace.  It’s not as if we need grace to get half way and then we turn to God and say ‘Well I got this from here.’  But sometimes we live that way. And we get treated that way by others, who want us to perform at that ‘professional’ level of Christianity.

In some Christian sub-cultures these are real problems that must be addressed.  However, I lived and worked at very gracious places like Southwood and Reformed Theological Seminary. However, the problem was still in me.  Shame and loneliness prevented me from seeking community to help me out.  Even as I write this I am having an internal battle to trying to convince myself and my audience that my sin wasn't too bad, that I can handle it on my own.  I am still fighting this idea of being a ‘professional’ Christian.  I often talk about our need for community and connection and this is even more true for a ‘professional’ Christian.  We 'professional' Christians are accustomed to hearing about others' struggles but are often not as good at sharing our own.  The good news for my fellow ‘professional’ Christians is that there is grace for you too.  Shame loses its power when it is brought to the light, and being in honest relationship/community fights loneliness.

We live in a world that is wired to a level we have never seen before.  I didn’t get my first cell phone until senior year of high school and didn’t have texting to halfway through college.  Now I sit on my iPhone wondering how I ever lived without instant access to my email and the internet for that matter.  But the research shows that the connection to social media is tied to feeling more and more disconnected.  I know I’ve struggled with loneliness.  I’ve wanted my online image to be this cool guy who is always doing something fun, but reality is closer to me sitting on the couch on a Friday night watching Sports Center.

I’ve worked with adolescents for a long time and one of the biggest issues facing adolescents is the journey to find their identity.  This is particularly harder for those from broken homes and those without secure relationships with their family.  But the search for identity is real.  When adolescents are connected to their family and have secure and safe relationships with them they leave the home with a better sense of self and less of a need to seek it from social media.  But I’m getting off topic.  What I’m trying to say is I get it, I’ve been there and still struggle with it.  Which only makes this whole blogging thing more ironic; I’m using technology and social media to tell you about how social media leaves us disconnected.

But that leads me to my next rabbit trail.  I live and work in Huntsville; a city where calling someone a rocket scientist is not a joke but very likely true.  Huntsville has a connection problem; it is a city with so many engineers and brilliant minds, but the city struggles with relationships. I am a new counselor in town, but every counselor and pastor I’ve talked has shared that Huntsville has a very serious sexual addiction/Internet addiction problem.  The first thing that strikes me about this problem is that this it is a connection problem, for instance when we cannot connect in person we look for connection elsewhere.  When we look for connection elsewhere we rob those in real relationship with us of getting to know us and our hurts, longings, and desires.  Yeah it’s easier to run to a false identity online and it takes real courage and vulnerability to not just connect but to have meaningful conversations.

This connection problem is bigger than teenagers and instagram or the addiction problems Huntsville faces.  We are all wired for relationship starting from the beginning of time.  The trinity teaches us that and we see it immediately with Adam and Eve.  As I have said before, it is in relationship that we are often wounded and it is in relationship that we grow in health.  I love social media it is a great way to keep up with friends across the country.  But when you are online ask yourself if you where does your identity come from?  Are you looking to social media to make you feel less lonely? If you are lonely, who knows about it? The crazy thing is we are all thinking the same thing, let’s start connecting on that point!

I know in this blog I barely touched the tip of the iceberg of many areas I am passionate about.  I hoped this inspires you to talk about one of these issues with someone maybe your spouse or your teenage kid or just someone you want to connect deeper with.  

For more reading on technology and loneliness: 

http://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/05/24/text-or-talk-is-technology-making-you-lonely/

http://startempathy.org/blog/2014/02/connected-and-disconnected-technology-empathy-and-loneliness

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/05/is-facebook-making-us-lonely/308930/

*This blog post is dedicated to all those people who have known me and still loved me.  Thanks for believing in me even when I didn't*

I am sitting on the recliner at a good friends house trying to decide what to blog about.  Well, first let me take you back a bit. I was at lunch today talking with an established counselor about what I should do to get started with my practice and one thing he suggested was blogging.  So here I am sitting late at night on my computer trying to blog. Before I go on rambling I must forewarn you I write how I talk, so just pretend like I am saying all things things to you at a coffee shop while we are catching up on life.

Speaking of catching up on life, I am in a unique season.  I have graduated from grad school, moved from sunny Orlando back to Huntsville and now play this waiting game with the Alabama Board so that I can officially open up my practice.  I am so glad to be back in a city that has warmed welcomed me back, yet still but also my heart aches for the friends I left in Orlando.  The past two years we walked a journey together that was intense and real.  I know their struggles and they know mine.  I miss them dearly especially as I hear of their journey's through their blogs and email updates.  I got to brag, but I have some of the bravest, courageous friends and they remind me that truth is worth pursuing and that being loved without being known is lonely, but being known and loved is the root of freedom.

The name of this season is Anticipation.  So much is happening all around me, yet here I am waiting.  It feels like when you are at Hartsfield International Airport and the pilot says we are 27th for takeoff.  So I wait, but as I wait I have found myself at rest.  Resting in the knowledge that this is the path for me.  If a couple of years ago you would have told me I'd open my own business I would have dismissed you.  But here I am.  Anticipation can be scary and paralyzing, but it can also lead you to give pause to reflect on where life has taken you.  Many of you know me and my story, but I can not help but be amazed at how God has continued to work in me and use me.  I still panic when things don't happen how I plan them, but my perspective is changing with it.  

Man I wish I could just end this blog right here so y'all will be impressed with me and how far I've come.  But anticipation also reminds me of how messy my sin is and how needy I am.  Anticipation ultimately draws me to the one day some day when God will make things right.  This summer a dear friend lost her son to his drug addiction and I weeped and felt so alone.  Another friend had a miscarriage and was brave enough to mourn publicly, allowing many to see the depths of her pain and realness of her vulnerability.  Their anticipation is about much more than when will I start work, theirs was a cry to the one day someday when God will wipe away every tear.  And the good news is he promises he will, but for now we are kept in this painstaking anticipation.

As a mentor once said its about perspective.  Anticipation gets sweeter when are hearts ache and bones cry out.  Anticipation is not meant to be experienced alone, it is meant to be experienced in relationship and community.  Whatever you are anticipating, whether its your first kid heading off to college or the loss of a loved one, I'd encourage you to be vulnerable and let someone in.  Being known takes great risk and often in my life I have decided against taking that risk for fear of rejection, but as I said earlier being known and being loved still is the root of freedom.